Monday, March 28, 2011

I Heart Turbulence.

Turbulence. I request it. Yeah it's possible that the bumps you are experiencing on your next flight are not due to weather but well, me. I simply call up the pilots and say, "Yo, I'm tired of gross man in Tommy Bahama with no shoes on stretching his ass in my galley, can we get that seatbelt sign turned on so I can seem slightly less bitchy when I order him back to his seatbelt extension? Cool, thanks." And ta-da, bumps ensue while fearful eyes look to me for soothing. Sometimes I make myself look really scared which is always fun. Turbulence equals flight attendant power and control. Huge perk of the job. Sometimes we have to lie a little to gain it but trust me, I don't lose sleep over it.

I also love turbulence while working the beverage cart because we have a legitimate excuse to delay our sevice and sometimes not even do it at sorry, no ginger ale for you (see previous post). :-(

By my request.
Lastly, even when the bumps aren't severe enough to condone above laziness, I love them still because it's like I'm on a carnival ride and it challenges my balance and stability. It's like I'm wearing Shape-Ups without really having to wear small boats on my feet. It mixes things up and makes my ass look good.

So as you can see, turbulence is nothing to be alarmed about. We're not gonna drop out of mid-air and die or break apart into pieces. It's simply like driving over a speed bump or 2 or 13 or 1,000 while in your car. Relax, take your Xanax and pass out.


  1. Are we the same person? Yeah, I think so. Long lost siblings...


  2. I *heart* turbulence as well! I like to take that opportunity to walk Frankenstein style up and down the aisle, fake falling on people with a look of alarm on my face!

  3. HEY! I heard you on TBTL! I love that show. So glad the word is spreading about your HI-larious blog.

    Keep it up!

    (decided to comment on this post inparticular because I was just on a flight that this TOTALLY happened on. Not a speck of turbulence but the flight attendant came on and said the pilot had given them the order not to go through with beverage service for safety purposes due to reports of turbulence from other flights. Maybe you were working on my flight...)