Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Effective Time-Killing

I get bored at work.

Often. I should have majored in 'Effective Time-Killing' because that is what I do besides stewardessing. After my tedious, required duties have been completed, do you ever ever wonder what your flight attendants are doing? If I haven't found a juicy tabloid to marinate my mind in, here are some things I find myself doing to pass the time:

1. I bartend. For myself. Unfortunately, non-alcoholically. Screw the travel benefits, the real perk in being a flight attendant is the never ending (until you run out of what's catered) flow of your most basic FREE drinks!!  So I take advantage of this and the boredom to create new off-menu beverages. For example, 8 creamers + OJ w/ a splash of sprite = orange creamsicle!, or 6 creamers + rootbeer = rootbeer float!, or perforating a coffee bag and dripping hot water through = espresso that will eff you up! I feel very scientifically & brilliantly mad sometimes in conducting these beverage experiments...Me with my stir-sticks and various liquids & cups arranged methodically...and it's the only time I put on my apron, gloves, and glasses. I'm purposefully splashing around, making a mess of the galley, pouring things from unnecessarily great heights, hoping for passengers to witness this madness and want to try one of my cocktails.

2. I have contests with my crew to see who can drink the most water without breaking the seal first. This is especially hilarious and challenging on full flights with constantly occupied lavatories. My years as a sorority chick pay the fuck off with this one...

3. I use my "Fart Machine" app. Nuff said.

4. On the same note, I make poop. I wish it was the real stuff but we are constipated 95% of the I "overconstipate" by making prank poop out of used coffee grounds and a bit of saran wrap. The warmed grounds of brewed coffee slightly melt the saran wrap and TA-DA! I can form some pretty life-like turds which can then be strategically placed on the toilet seat when the pilots come out for their potty break.

5. I discretely try to place the end of a toilet paper roll on the bottom of another flight attendant's shoe as they walk up the aisle...especially if I hate them which is most likely the case.

6. I make fake cigarettes out of stir-sticks and masking tape.  When I see an unsuspecting passenger making their way back to use the lav in which there are ashtrays (yes, we have to have them on planes just in case), I grab a cup of coffee in one hand, my cig in the other, & ask (in my best raspy voice) for a light.

7. I eat. Everything that is left over. Just for something to do. I have eaten 20 times my weight in airplane cheeseburgers...last month alone. Thankfully I have limitless beverages to wash them down with.

8. I ignore call-light requests.  I pretend like I can't hear them so the other flight attendants will have to get it. I am busy being bored. I learned this one from a FA who brings a fake hearing aid to work to legitimize his laziness.

Wow, I could've used the time I spent writing this to make at least 5 coffee-poop turds. I gotta go. Bye.


  1. I just have to say you are hilarious! Another time killing thing I do is a hand treatment:
    Clean hands
    Massage hands with extra lemons and limes
    Exfoliate hands with one packet if sugar
    Wash hands
    Apply lotion
    And Ta-Da you've got the cleanest, softest hands on the plane. That is, until someone hands you their trash :)

  2. The orange that legit? I might have to give that a try when I get back from vacation. Also, I think you're my soulmate. We should date.