Monday, February 20, 2012

An Altitude of Excuses

I'm out of town, at home.
I love my job.*          *rarely

But still, here is one of the only reasons why: I can use my job as an excuse to get out of anything.

Say I'm on the phone with someone I don't want to be on the phone with...your parents, an ex, a bill collector, telemarketer, a Jehovah's witness, whomever. Most people feel trapped and are too polite to cut the convo.  Nope, not me. Not flight attendants. We are able to interrupt mid-sentence abruptly but without offense and say, "Oh shit, they're boarding. I gotta go." And click. You're free from the shackles of annoyance and no one bitches at you about it later. No one thinks you're rude because it's your job to be out of touch.  But what am I really doing? Not a goddamn thing.

Often times, I add that I'm working a long haul, transcontinental flight so that I'm free for at least 6 hours or more from a call back or better yet, I say I'm flying internationally and have no cell phone access for an X amount of time. But what am I really doing? I'm at home on my couch, eating snacks and watching The Bachelor and cannot be bothered during the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.

When that annoying "friend" you've blocked on Facebook due to her super interesting posts about the current weather and also her incessant photo posts of her baby, boyfriend, cat, baby & cat, cat & boyfriend, and boyfriend & baby texts you and asks, "Are you in town for coffee??" I get to respond with "Bummer!! Dang. I'm out of town working a trip. Can't. I'm so sorry. I'm trading trips next week so I'll let you know my schedule later mmmkay?"  And I can keep doing that every week for years for forever with her because it is in fact plausible that I actually am gone all the time in my line of work.

I can also use the excuse that I'm "on-reserve" or on-call and then really don't know what the hell my schedule holds. When that friend calls again and asks why I didn't call her back on that 3 hour break I said I would have in Chicago, I have a laundry list of excuses to pull from. I got "tagged" (scheduling had additional flying for me those bastards), my plane got diverted due to a medical EMERGENCY, I forgot my phone charger at the hotel, delay delay delay, I ran into someone I knew at the airport I hadn't seen in YEARS, delay, delay, delay, tag, tag, tag. But what am I really doing? I'm searching "animals falling asleep" on YouTube all cozy in my bed.

It is in these cases it pays (albeit very, very little) to not have a normally scheduled, trackable life.

Oh! Gotta go, they've started boarding.