Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Not Everyone Likes a Poke

Hole-y Fuck.
I swear, as proud as I am to wear my wings and roll my smooth TravelPro around the world, there are many, many, 'pretty much everyday I work' times when I want to position myself directly underneath someone stowing their oversized luggage hoping it will injure me on the job.

I experience this emotion often (as this blog would clearly indictate) but frequently during beverage cart set-up.

One would think that setting up the beverage cart for service would be a standard practice, especially with the dinosaurs being in the industry for centuries. I mean, how many fucking ways are there to arrange some juice boxes, water bottles, and coffee pots on top of a trolley? Is it really that big a deal if I put my orange juice box in front of the cranberry? The coffee pot on my left? Stir sticks placed on the outside of the cart as opposed to on the inside?  The cups stacked too high?

Apparently to Nazi Nancy (we'll call them), these are HUGE deals. You do not dare rearrange her set-up of the holy bevy cart. It's her creation, her first-born, her way of organization and control.  I have a sinking suspicion she's a cat hoarder in her personal life.

So we're assigned a set of standard duties during each flight and naturally, a bunch of control freak weirdos request beverage detail position like single Nancy does. Probably the biggest source of contention out there regarding this riveting subject is the poking of holes in the tops of juice boxes to create a faster and smoother flow.  Flight attendants either love it or hate it. Lovers think the smoother flow eliminates splashing and also allows you to get through the cabin faster since the liquids are pouring faster. Haters hate because it pours too fast and they overpour the miniature doll cups everytime. Whatthefuckever Gina! I don't give 2 shits if you wanna siphon your juice through a catheter because you prefer how it pours. It will pour. See I don't care either way, but if you dare stabbed your pen into the top of those juices boxes when 'ol Nance wasn't looking, you're screwed. She'll grab that pen and poke a hole in you.

Friday, September 9, 2011

The Super Stew

Rewind back to your school days and remember how there seemed to always be that one person in class who had their hand permanently raised? That kid who did extra credit when they didn't need to, the dummy who brought their teachers gifts on holidays, volunteered in soup kitchens after school and the 7 sports teams/marching band practices they juggled effortlessly...the ass-kissers of my youth. Now in my professional adult life, these goody goodies have transformed into adult monsters, into what I like to call the "Super Stews" of the airline industry. There's about a 95% chance that I will work with at least one of these over-achieving weirdos and with a modest 3-6 person flight crew, those odds are maddening.

Let me help you with the obvious.
I'm talking about a sect of super stews who actually piss people off because of their "niceities". For example, this one flight attendant I know (and call in 'dead' for whenever I find out I'll be working with him) meets as many fully capable passengers at the boarding door and asks them where their seat assignment is. They answer him in fear that their seat is about to be changed or something but no, Super Stew emphatically says "Oh, 30B! What a lovely middle seat close to the bathrooms you've got there! Follow me!" and proceeds to lift their heavy luggage over his head before fully capable lady/mister can say anything about it. When a call light dings, he actually sprints up and down the aisles making such a distracting scene to be of service, treating every beverage request as if it were as dire as a medical emergency. He won't let anyone (passengers and crew) do anything for themselves except use the lavatories. I once dropped my pen on the galley floor sitting next to him and he literally dove to pick it up before I even knew I had dropped it. Like for real, he was on the galley floor risking contracting hepatitis for my Bic. This is not being nice people, it's over-the-top coked out maddness if you witnessed it with your own eyes.

This phenomena of brown-nosing is annoying as hell. We're not in high school anymore dude. You're not gonna get the teacher's pet award for wearing your super stew cape to work. This behavior creates an expectation that cannot be met by the bare-minimalists such as myself...and it comes across as offensive and condescending to those who know how to fly. Make no mistake though, I do my bare minimum like a champ and have lovely comment cards to prove it thank you very much.