Monday, December 13, 2010

I hate flight attendants.

I worked with this schmuck last week...the dude who vomits bad jokes and nothing else. He acted like Jim Carey but looked like an even fuglier Vince Vaughn. I had to work with him for 3 days. Halfway through Day 1, I wanted to strangle him with a seatbelt extension and lock him in the closet (the latter has actually happened between flight attendants but that's for another time). Anyways, here's why I hate him...

Upon deplaning, he said to every passenger, "dick here" in such a way that he could pass it off as "take care" should anyone really listen. And if that wasn't bad enough he added "schlong now" instead of the usually schticky "so long now". And I had to stand right next to him with no place to go. I found myself speaking unnaturally loud to cover up my embarrassment with "BYE!!! THANK YOU!!! GOODNIGHT!"

He worked the first class cabin and stood in front of all 16 of 'em (on every leg mind you...) and said, "So like is anyone from out-of-town?"  I now suffer from a wandering, lazy eye because I rolled them so far back in annoyance.

He made the demo announcements and introduced me to the entire plane as "The Infamous Tina" which provoked about a gagillion questions and lots of "slut of the skies" type looks throughout a 7 hour flight.

When the pilots call to communicate with us in cabin from the flightdeck, we're required to state our name and location when we answer. So naturally he answered the phone with, "This is Dick in the rear."

And with that, I strapped my parachute on, and buh bye. I was done.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Boarding Music

I have it out for someone.

The "DJ" who creates the boarding music mix tape we are supposed to play when we herd the cattle into my office aeroplane.

The last 3 tapes have all included Justin Beiber bubblegum blah, and most recently there was a B.o.B. POS thrown in there. It's been creating an environment of even more awkwardness with observations of weird jaw thrusts, neck bobs, and shoulder shrugs.  Must be the Beiber Fever? (sorry, had to) Don't even get me started with the holiday mix....No, they can't put Mariah Carey's, 'All I Want for Christmas' on it but The Chipmunks Christmas, yup, peppered ALL up in there.  Why torture me even more during the boarding process? I'm already not getting paid during it (betcha didn't know that fact) and it's by far THE MOST frustrating part of the job.  At least allow me to drown out the, "I don't know where Row 20 is! HELP AHHH!" (Um, really? No, it's not near Row 6, nope not Row 15 either...try behind Row 19, but in front of Row 21? Maybe? Just try, humor me, I know you don't believe me but I've been trained) with something that makes me not want to kill bunnies. Yes, please have mercy and let me drown out the waah waahs of banality with something like perhaps the musical stylings of Miley Cyrus's, 'Party in the U.S.A' /Hanson's, 'MMMBop'/ and/or anything from the Jock Jams collections I,II,III, or XXXVIII, or even any song on the 'Space Jam' soundtrack will suffice.

I guarantee beatz like these would make the boarding process schizophrenically faster. And they're sweet jamz. I will find this DJ and make the appropriate suggestions for new musak. You're welcome.