Monday, March 28, 2011

I Heart Turbulence.

Turbulence. I request it. Yeah it's possible that the bumps you are experiencing on your next flight are not due to weather but well, me. I simply call up the pilots and say, "Yo, I'm tired of gross man in Tommy Bahama with no shoes on stretching his ass in my galley, can we get that seatbelt sign turned on so I can seem slightly less bitchy when I order him back to his seatbelt extension? Cool, thanks." And ta-da, bumps ensue while fearful eyes look to me for soothing. Sometimes I make myself look really scared which is always fun. Turbulence equals flight attendant power and control. Huge perk of the job. Sometimes we have to lie a little to gain it but trust me, I don't lose sleep over it.

I also love turbulence while working the beverage cart because we have a legitimate excuse to delay our sevice and sometimes not even do it at sorry, no ginger ale for you (see previous post). :-(

By my request.
Lastly, even when the bumps aren't severe enough to condone above laziness, I love them still because it's like I'm on a carnival ride and it challenges my balance and stability. It's like I'm wearing Shape-Ups without really having to wear small boats on my feet. It mixes things up and makes my ass look good.

So as you can see, turbulence is nothing to be alarmed about. We're not gonna drop out of mid-air and die or break apart into pieces. It's simply like driving over a speed bump or 2 or 13 or 1,000 while in your car. Relax, take your Xanax and pass out.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Ginger Ale Fail

Let me tell you something...I hate lots of things. Yah, I drink the haterade when it comes to things like meatless chili, vegans, chain wallets, in-flight sombreros, all other airlines, children between the ages of 2-21, Hawaiian print anything, stuffed animals toted by adults, Canadians, thumb rings, blue tooth headsets, Ed Hardy, & velvet....but working on airplanes has added something additional to this list...

Ginger fucking ale.

I just don't get it. Nobody drinks ginger ale at home. No one. Unless you're having a party and need the stuff for a mixer, I challenge you to name one person you know who keeps a stock of ginger ale at home in the fridge. You do not come home after a long days work, sit back in the recliner and say, "Man, I could sure go for a ginger ale right now."

So why do you do it on planes? It's weird to me. What is it about being at altitude that triggers this craving? And no, it's usually not due to nausea or airsickness. It's not. You know you've ordered it.  I'm constantly taking this poll amongst my friends about what they tend to order and ginger ale always comes up first. I don't know why it angers me to such a murderous rage, but every time the snowball effect of ginger ale orders starts to cascade down the rows, I loose my shit and envision the shake n' spray in the offenders face. I realize this is ridiculous and an over-reaction. Again, I don't know why it effects me so but it just does. I would have no problem serving it to you if you could prove it's a normal, consistent beverage choice in your daily life while on ground, in your car, or in any other mode of transportation.

I know I've got you. I'm right. You've never really thought about it until now. So if you notice your trolley dolly make a face or growl or spit while you've just ordered said beverage, think about the choice you just made. Your safe bet is to always, always order nothing.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Effective Time-Killing

I get bored at work.

Often. I should have majored in 'Effective Time-Killing' because that is what I do besides stewardessing. After my tedious, required duties have been completed, do you ever ever wonder what your flight attendants are doing? If I haven't found a juicy tabloid to marinate my mind in, here are some things I find myself doing to pass the time:

1. I bartend. For myself. Unfortunately, non-alcoholically. Screw the travel benefits, the real perk in being a flight attendant is the never ending (until you run out of what's catered) flow of your most basic FREE drinks!!  So I take advantage of this and the boredom to create new off-menu beverages. For example, 8 creamers + OJ w/ a splash of sprite = orange creamsicle!, or 6 creamers + rootbeer = rootbeer float!, or perforating a coffee bag and dripping hot water through = espresso that will eff you up! I feel very scientifically & brilliantly mad sometimes in conducting these beverage experiments...Me with my stir-sticks and various liquids & cups arranged methodically...and it's the only time I put on my apron, gloves, and glasses. I'm purposefully splashing around, making a mess of the galley, pouring things from unnecessarily great heights, hoping for passengers to witness this madness and want to try one of my cocktails.

2. I have contests with my crew to see who can drink the most water without breaking the seal first. This is especially hilarious and challenging on full flights with constantly occupied lavatories. My years as a sorority chick pay the fuck off with this one...

3. I use my "Fart Machine" app. Nuff said.

4. On the same note, I make poop. I wish it was the real stuff but we are constipated 95% of the I "overconstipate" by making prank poop out of used coffee grounds and a bit of saran wrap. The warmed grounds of brewed coffee slightly melt the saran wrap and TA-DA! I can form some pretty life-like turds which can then be strategically placed on the toilet seat when the pilots come out for their potty break.

5. I discretely try to place the end of a toilet paper roll on the bottom of another flight attendant's shoe as they walk up the aisle...especially if I hate them which is most likely the case.

6. I make fake cigarettes out of stir-sticks and masking tape.  When I see an unsuspecting passenger making their way back to use the lav in which there are ashtrays (yes, we have to have them on planes just in case), I grab a cup of coffee in one hand, my cig in the other, & ask (in my best raspy voice) for a light.

7. I eat. Everything that is left over. Just for something to do. I have eaten 20 times my weight in airplane cheeseburgers...last month alone. Thankfully I have limitless beverages to wash them down with.

8. I ignore call-light requests.  I pretend like I can't hear them so the other flight attendants will have to get it. I am busy being bored. I learned this one from a FA who brings a fake hearing aid to work to legitimize his laziness.

Wow, I could've used the time I spent writing this to make at least 5 coffee-poop turds. I gotta go. Bye.