Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Toilet Paper Confession

Me and my lady junk are wiping the butt clean about something...

On layover, I always take the extra rolls of toilet paper from my hotel rooms.  It is a huge score to me when I find one neatly wrapped, just begging to be stuffed into my suitcase and delivered to my royal home throne, free shipping included.

So let's do the math. I average about 3-4 hotel stays a week, so that's about 12-16 rolls a month, or 144-192 rolls per year! Basically, I consider it to be a true perk of my job, a year-round supply of free 1-ply toilet tissue to sandpaper my tender bits smooth.

Most of us flight attendants are hoarders in some form or another. Everyone's got their thing: pens, magazines, certain "good" toiletries, condiments from room service trays left out in the hallways, Earl Grey, framed still life's...mine happens to be toilet paper.  Buttever, don't judge. We apparently save (not steal) everything we can and lug it around on our travels in fear that we could be stranded in some ghost town of a major city that has no stores.  We're cheap asses and our asses are cheap...we're accustomed to airplane toilet paper so hotel TP is luxiouriously barely better.

I learned of this tip from THE Winona Ryder of hotel-lifting, a dear flight attendant friend of mine who shall remain nameless. I was at her house when 'travel-ass' called and behold, a bare toilet paper roll taunted my asshole. I searched the cabinets frantically, and there she be, a brand spankin' (ha) new roll from a Heavenly™ Westin Hotel.

I could spot that kind of toilet tissue gold a mile away with my critical brown eye. Her secret had been flushed out.