Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I'm not a GPS.

Surprise, surprise. I have another inflight pet peeve.

Please, do not ask a flight attendant WHERE we are at 35,000 ft in the air. It doesn't matter and you know it. Look out your window. You're lucky if you see a few cloud bunnies on a nice day, maybe a pretty mountain range, a body of water quite possibly, a crop circle even, but most of the time, it's just vast boring, brown, sprawling expanse. You don't care. You're bored and didn't bring enough to do.

I'm not a GPS fools.
If you ask me this, I pull crap out of my b-hole (as I look intently out your window peep hole) confidently spouting stuff like, "I believe we're about to cross the Bible Belt, That's gotta be uh...the Snake River...The Bermuda Triangle...Mount Midwest"... Sometimes I've been known to say (with a smile of course), "I don't know where you are, but I'm in hell" as I trot away. It doesn't matter what I tell you guys, you buy it because I'm in a hot official uniform (ok, this is debatable). It's like because I wear wings on my lapel, I'm omniscient or something. I'm a flight attendant Yo!, not a Jesus GPS or a Ride the Ducks tour guide. I'm not flying the plane guys. I drive a trolley cart in only one of two directions. I don't mind if you ask me how much longer we have left in our flight because trust me, I've been counting down the seconds until I can blow this pop stand, but the 'where?' makes we want to "accidentally" spill tomato juice on your crotch.

And no, I will not call up the pilots to verify our coordinates in flight either, they are very busy button pushing, dad joking, and looking up where the nearest golf course is to the hotel.


  1. I have a standard reply to this question "we're somewhere over the alps" which yeah never gets questioned, which is surprising when we're flying to Scotland from London haha

  2. Wow, I think it's time you find yourself another job if this question sets you off. I was a stewardess/FA for 38 years and never did I take offense at that question. In fact I would often ask the cockpit to make announcements (if there wasn't going to be a movie) as to where we were.

  3. OMG, You rule!!!

  4. Try this... Lean over, look intently out the window. Squint. Then say, "I don't know...I can't read the sign either!"